Attempt

For the last couple of months, I was using an app called Better Help to talk to an online therapist. Every week I would have a call with her and we discussed everything from my addiction with alcohol to my addiction to work. She tried to teach me about addiction, about my personality and introduced me to gratitude journaling. However, I decided I couldn’t keep a therapist anymore. Not that I can no longer afford one, it was because I am being becoming bitter.

You may ask what that means. What does it mean to be bitter? I do not know how to explain it but, it means that I finally am so unhappy that letting anyone into this unhappiness will only cause them to become miserable. I cannot introduce anyone to my weakness. I cannot introduce anyone to my failure. This is hard for me to write. I have little hope for my life and future so, I cancel plans. I lie and I deceit. I do not even see friends because I do not want to even recover.

This cycle of endless self-harm is getting me nowhere. I want to write a positive message that goes into I want to change. The truth is, I don’t think I want to even try. I want it all to somehow just stop. I am a total failure at achieving anything. I am a failure as an adult. I don’t even want to try anymore. Weirdly, I am not writing this drunk but rather, for the first time… in a long time, I am being honest about the negative inside me.

I am so unhappy that even sunlight does not bring me happiness. Music does not sway me in its way. People do not make me smile and there isn’t anyone who makes life worth living. I do not want to give because why even try. I do not want to share because who even cares. There isn’t anyone or anything that makes life even remotely worth living.

I am approaching my 30th birthday. In less than 18 days I will be 30. What will happen when I turn 30? Will I be a different person? I don’t think I will be. I want to go to bed and not even wake up for it. I do not want to even try and celebrate it.

Right now, more than any time before this: I want to destroy my life. I want to destroy my body. I want to destroy my soul. I want to tear my entire being apart just so that I would not have to feel this loneliness that seeps into my soul. The hardest thing about it is: I do not think I need someone to fix it. I want to not even try to fix it. That’s where I have reached with it.

This is bad, yes.

Is there a way up? I do not know.

Will I become an alcoholic? I do not know.

Will I attempt to kill myself? I do not know.

The truth is: I feel like Kaladin standing at the precipice of the chasm. I am Kaladin and I want to jump. There is no Syl to change it. I am afraid that I will jump. That I will not be able to take it any more and I will give up.