Broken

I don’t usually like to think about how broken in the head I am. It is not easy for me. Today, 18th November I have had to confront some if not to a great extent of what is broken.

As a kid, I was trusting or so I would like to think. However, the more I trusted people, the more they broke my trust. I could never really understand how they could be people. Though, people are complicated and sometimes they don’t realise what you give them as trust is what they are getting.

Long story short, I have realised only today that I am hesitant to give my trust to anyone now. It is as if they have to work for it. Not only that, even after years of giving them trust they break my trust as if it didn’t matter. Maybe, I am too serious or too broken now.

It is not even something I can easily shrug off. The things people do aren’t even easy to explain. Sometimes, I wonder how to even be a human. These days I feel that I am not. It is not what people say to me but rather, how does the world except me to grow out of my pain?

My heart has been broken so am I. It is so hard to even hold the pieces some days but somehow the world expects that all I need to do is forget it. How?

How does anyone expects that the pain of broken heart heals easily?

Somehow, I am reminded of the song from Passenger, All the little lights:

We're born with millions
Of little lights shining in the dark
And they show us the way
One lights up, every time you feel love in your heart
One dies when it moves away

Every time someone hurts you, a light dies. Every time you can love, another lights up. A friend told me something very poignant: “What can I give you except Love? What else do I even have as a human?”

This thought has stuck with me like an earworm. A lot of my life has been spent without loving; I am getting tired of it. Suddenly, I am not letting myself be happy because I am too afraid of it.

“Folks, I'm telling you,
birthing is hard
and dying is mean-
so get yourself 
a little loving 
in between.”

- Langston Hughes