Before weakness

At 2AM last night, I made a cup of coffee and sat down to evaluate a very difficult work task. Now, to some it might sound like a brag. To others, it might sound worrying for my mental and physical health. Maybe even to a one or two, it may sound like a cry for help.

Am I bragging about my failures? Maybe I am.

In the last 8 working days (not counting weekends), I have worked anywhere between 12-14 hours. It started off as helping cover someone’s absence. Then, it turns into interest which dissolved into obsession. One thing after another, non-stop. Keep hitting the coal until you find diamond.

I am a lot of things but I am not a perfectionist. I see my flaws and for some reason that gives me clarity. My weakness is what makes me feel that I am strong. There is a lot I could tell you about this last few weeks. I poured my life, my soul and blood into my work but it didn’t work. However, the failure didn’t bring me down.

It is again not a brag only a mere reminder of what doesn’t break me and what actually does.

Rejection is heartbreaking.

Whether it is rejection of ideas, advances, interests or of beliefs: they are all created pretty equally and damage a person. I use the word damage liberally. Change would be a better term.

Rejection makes you question. Failure is a type of rejection. We often associate failure with bad grade, with stupidity or even worse somehow as an inherently negative attribute. I do not believe that it is. I love to fail at doing things. Whether it is making carrot fries in the oven or performance tuning. Every time I fail, I learn a little more.

Last night I felt like a failure and that didn’t bring me down. Today I feel rejected. Very similar emotion but something about the latter I step out of and look at it as a good thing. The fragile ego I carry does not want to be rejected. However, if I always put it in a safe spot and never take any risks: what life would be that?

That rejection that I experience right now is more counterintuitive. Rejection is when someone puts up a wall so that you are on the outside of it. Most of the time it is one-sided. You can feel rejected without anyone rejecting you. One should remember something about insides: be thankful for them. Also, sometimes you need to expand them. Let others in. You wouldn’t know what something can be if you don’t try.

Life is an experience, live it. Don’t draw lines in the sand that you wouldn’t want to cross.

I am a lot of my rejections. All of them come to me flowing into me with a single prick of a new one. So, I avoid all new rejections. This however means that I avoid all possibilities too. As it is okay to have been rejected at 16, hopeful at 13, full of belief at 18 and guilty at 22: I also remember being brave at 27, joyful at 28 and excited at 29. I cannot be anymore me than I am today.

For a long time now, I stand on the cusp of a life decision.
Between adulthood and childhood.
Between the refine and shabby.
Between struggle and happiness.
Between reality and day-dream.

There isn’t a right choice but too long have I been a pendulum. Could refusing to chose be a choice? Can I choose to not choose?