Show them why

Who says one cannot write a depressing post after months of positivity and love?

Thank goodness no-one.

There are days in your life when everything goes wrong: you miss the bus, the cab is stuck in traffic, you reach late to a meeting, you miss all elevators and get only red lights while driving. Those are the days I wish I had more: those days are rare. The same way as very good luck is rare, very bad luck is too. Probabilities dictate that there is a slim chance of having maybe only a few of those days in a year. I did not have one of those days. I welcome those days.

I’ve had a very different kind of days. Days full of anguish I can’t fully comprehend. Days where you wish you had made different decisions so as to never face them again. Yet, they come. They are unwelcome and they stay there like dementors. Sucking at your soul, long after all happiness and hope drained out of you in the form of tears.

In my life, I have often said the words: “You broke me” and over the years, there have been many different “you” in that sentence. Funnily, for the first time in a very long time I am not broken. No-one broke me. Someone broke my trust. Someone broke the confidence I had in my beliefs. Someone broke my illusions about love, honesty and friendship but… no one broke me.

“They’re scared of you.” Zahel’s voice, drifting again above the crowd. “Do you see it in them? Show them why.”

Long time or so it seems now, it’s probably only been a little over a month I wrote with love and care about how much my life had changed in 3 years.

How much I loved my job. Now, after this long I am a complete failure. You know how I never thought I could stop loving my job, I don’t think like that anymore. All I think and all I see is the fact that I am no longer the person who can do my current job. They gave me everything I wanted and then, somehow I decided it was all an illusion.

I have been fired once, and that hurt less.

The short version of this is.. someone betrayed me. Someone I trusted and who meant an awful lot to me. It made me realise that I am nothing more than a dispensable pawn in the chess game that others play. Strange thing is, I thought I wouldn’t be played with. I thought I was special but I was wrong.

My parents named me badly I think. They should have found the word for ordinary and named me that. It would have taught me to be content somehow with my ordinary life. To desire for nothing and for a good period in the middle, I was content.

Let me look up and best word for ordinary.

After spending a good amount of time (does 5 minute on google count?), I can’t find a word. Actually, I did find Glyphwards from Stormlight Archive and learnt how to spell trust in glyphs. Then, I tried to design tattoos next but no stylus to make sure it worked on my iPad. Yes, 24 hours have passed between the beginning of paragraph and end.

So many things I wanted, so many things I desired for, all of them are now gone or rather.. I am gone from them. I no longer have the will to go after the things I once desired. It is okay to not hold up your past expectations as the sieve through which you view your life. In the bathroom of Just Bob (a fantastic cafe in the Alberta district of Portland) are the words:

What you resist, persists.

Maybe, it is time to let go. Time to make peace.

P.S. This was written on 19th December and published later due to a whirlwind of misery.