A letter from no one

Dear J,

You are hurting today. Badly. More than you probably have this year, but this is not written in pain or in anger on in plea. This is written in memory.

There is only one way that I know to let go. It is to write it out. To make it official. To make it definite and once it is definite, you have already crossed the bridge halfway. All you need to do now, is run the leftover distance.

It has been a few weeks since you have done something for the fun of it. Just for the mere pleasure of not seeking any goals but rather, as an acceptance criteria of being alive. This is what makes you angsty: this and the heartache + substances following through your body + lack of Vitamin D in the form of sunlight.

So, here goes: I am sad and heartbroken. It is because of my own complicated dilemmas of a heart which goes from yearning to caring to threatened to flaming to accepting. If you’re lucky J, this would happen again to you. You would be able to yearn and care again.

Being a believer, never have I thought of love as a bad thing. All the requited love has always been driven by my desire to explore. A therapist would say I chose to get hurt than to fully become vulnerable. If my desires were to become a reality I wouldn’t know how to deal with it. It is maybe the case that the chase is all I desire.

All the thoughts have occurred to me, passed my consciousness and none of them are any less real than the other. It is all in my mind: it takes time to become raw with. All of this is real for me. Loving someone is a choice. A lot of times it feels like out of our control but, given that we put our mind to goals and achieve them: human beings have a choice on emotions.

A choice we don’t explore because emotions are like cold water on a hot pan. They like to make a noise and pop and eventually die down once the temperature difference subsides. Rifts of emotions are like that to our mood and our mind. They pop and jump around: both good and bad but eventually, they become an addition to our mind and we dictate that the healthy state of mind.

I tell you this J, because it sucks right now but it won’t always or maybe.. it will. I do not know.

“The question is not whether you will love, hurt, dream and die. It is what you will love, why you will hurt, when you will dream and how you will die. This is your choice. You cannot pick the destination, only the path.”

Remember, life before death.

You are more alone this end of year than you ever have been. 2019 has been a year of change. Whenever you are ready, this letter is for that time. It is a time capsule to remind yourself that the worst is not the worst and the best is not the best.

Whatever has happened in weeks that have gone by, whoever has hurt you (once, twice, a million times), how much alcohol/THC/food you indulged in, all those things you have or have not done are all in the past. If you didn’t go to the cereal killers cafe a second time, it is in the past, if you got too drunk in Barcelona and don’t remember where you ended up: it is in the past.

If you loved the people you loved who didn’t treat you with the respect, it is in the past. You cannot change it. You can only accept it, with kindness to yourself and to others. My roommate told me something a few days after I moved to Portland: JOMO.

Joy of missing out.

Raise a glass today, to joy of all that you don’t have. To the races you won’t run. To the choices you will never face. To things you will never have. In not chasing, there is joy. In being alive, in being present and in being here.

If nothing else try and remember,

Me.