Chewed up

This is a very serious and personal post. I have talked about my mistakes, my insecurities and my fears so only walk through the door if you’re okay with it. Otherwise, read the next one.

It will chew you up, and spit you out

Recently, I met someone who made this statement about New York City, one of the most loved places in the world. A place where dreams come true. A place where life becomes better. Now, I have never been to New York. I think I would love the museums, the coffee shops, the history and pretty much everything about it. I love Bombay and San Francisco, then why would New York be any different?

But here’s a well known secret: I pretty much hate Hong Kong. Even though I made some of my best memories walking on the Central Pier, doing tequila shots in Castros, beer towers at Chop House and dancing in Iron Fairies. That life I had was pretty darn awesome. I was proud of the person I created there. Then, why did I have to leave? I keep thinking of all the things I was in Hong Kong and the only thing I was, was driven. So driven that I was scared that I wouldn’t be anything without my drive.

All weaknesses whether mental or physical were as an insult. I ought to be better than that. If I am being honest, I was high on myself. I was so obsessed with the person I had become that I closed my eyes to my flaws. If my only flaw was drinking too much or saying some brash statement, that’s alright. I lost the ability to feel empathy, the ability to be there for others and I made work and having fun my only drive. After all, all life is struggle and you live only once eh?!.

Well, this post wasn’t supposed to get this serious if I am honest. My intent was to talk about the fact that everyone feels chewed up at one time or another. It’s what you do with that feeling is what matters. However, the more I thought about why I left Hong Kong, I realised that it wasn’t Hong Kong that chewed up. Rather, it was the person I had become there. Every day, I was putting my needs first and every day I was finding excuses for being a complete and utter arse. Funnily, I thought that drinking to death was the problem but turns out that was just the symptom.

I went every week from being high on life to low on alcohol.

Life is a struggle sometimes (a little more for some than others) and we all make mistakes. That is the easy bit to wrap your head around but eventually, you become a person who actively change themselves or they keep spiralling. One night I made a big mistake under the influence of alcohol; I made a decision that I wasn't ready for. It was made in anger, frustration and annoyance at the fact that my life wasn’t so-to-speak going anywhere. Then, the coward that I am I deleted all my social media and ignored everyone for a while because I was trying to figure myself out.

Though I wasn’t.

I was hiding. I have always been hiding. Sometimes, when we feel like life has handed us the short end of the stick and somehow, this stick is probably the shortest stick it manifests as an existential crisis. We think life has no meaning so we hide. We hide behind work, alcohol and drugs because we are too scared to face the truth.

Are you waiting for me to tell you the truth?

I don’t know.

The one truth I have discovered is that change is possible and often necessary. Of course, we can take the cynical path and be convinced that people don’t change. That is downright cowardly.

“The most important step a man can take is the next one”

- Dalinar, the Oathbringer