Weakness

The first ideal for every order of radiant is:

Life before death,

Strength before weakness,

Journey before destination.

I am weak and find it hard each of my current days to choose strength. Our lives are only in the present where we actually live it- the rest of it is spent in reminiscing or planning. All our thoughts take us away from the present - the feeling of being alive is not even there.

A week ago, I hurt my right hand so that putting pressure on the palm hurts all the way to my shoulder. Now, this could be several different things but whatever it is - it is not fixed yet. It’s been over 10 days since I went to the gym and since I stopped working out I am drowning into misery. I cook and clean - honestly, I do enough of housework to keep myself occupied but it is so hard to get out of bed. My initial thought when I took the break from being employed by a corporate stooge was that I would do more.

I loved being around people and as I no longer am doing it - my body is deprecating and so is my soul. It is very hard to explain how hard it is to put up a good face in front of others. To muster energy is so hard - it almost makes one want to cry. Each day, when you cannot wake up and you’re in pain that pills can’t fix - it is not a good place to be. Honestly, my entire life needs to be fixed.

Often when I drown myself in self-pity, it is with the help of alcohol. However, I had great plans of trying to do physical competitions that alcohol do not make possible. It is by looking at problems straight in the face and tackling them one at a time where you can rise above it all. It is hard though. Each day is hard.

So, I want to write about how I have been choosing weakness over strength. Watching mindless television to get me out of my misery when things should not be going in this manner. I should be choosing to do the right thing - get out of bed, take showers, go on runs - see a physio for my arm. Try to do some lower body exercises but instead, I sit on the couch and stare at the screens.

I do not wish to understand the beauty of the universe. My curiosity is dying which is the scariest part of this. How could I even consider doing anything with my life if at this young age, my body wants to give up. My mind wants to succumb to death even. I do not wish to continue living like this and I feel so trapped in my own life that I cannot break free.

I want to talk about weakness because it is what I feel each day. I feel weak that I got scared of engineering and stopped. I feel weak that I applied for jobs but didn’t get back to them when they reverted to me. I feel weak that the job I wanted did not just fall into my lap. I feel that nothing in my life will ever be enough. That I will just be mediocre so why even try.

There is so much beauty but I will never create any. That is scary. All I do is pointless - it is not even making me happy - how will it do anything for anyone else?