Why or why not?

The last few weeks have been of personal struggles. I have realised that my faults are not as special as I thought and not unvarying either. Leaving behind one often leads to picking up another. I’m a rolling ball of wool on the dusty floor. Even though I wipe out some dust, there’s always more to latch on. Creating these marks is inevitable but by how much. Failure as I often tell myself is necessary. Being wrong is as important as being right and I will never have all of this fully figured out.

Being the person who spends a lot of time inside their head, I miss the periphery. My struggles are not important and yet, they keep me up at night. Whether it is the inability to sleep or how to get groceries in a corona struck world. Inconveniences have transformed into real problems. What I should question and what I shouldn’t has become a very real struggle?

If I say, I do not want to be this person. I have to first define “this person”.

What you want to change about yourself depends on what you see

I have spent a good time in my life looking at different people in the mirror. In a little more than 2 months, I will turn 30 and I do not know what that means for me anymore. As a younger person, I thought that ought to mean something. All I want for myself is to not think. Previously, that had led me down a path of a wonderful year where I discovered freedom. I became capable of letting go of myself in public. I pushed myself to extremes both physically and mentally.

Intensity of my unresolved emotions became the intensity of everything else. Again, I am reminded:

What you resist, persists.

The six months I spent away from Hong Kong changed me or the more honest statement, time passed.

Some of me is broken and cannot be mended. There will always be some scars I bear.

As someone who’s entire work depends on fixing problems for other people, when I see those broken pieces of myself and not know how to fix: it drives me mad. I start thinking about how Stormlight and Sprens made home in broken pieces inside of the books. That’s beautiful but in real life, the life I need to live nothing and nobody is coming to fill the scars, to dress the wounds then why focus on the scars. The weird thing I have discovered this week is that there is no life without scars.

There is no human without emotional baggage and there is no problem without solution. If all fails, change the problem.

The more I love, the more I risk loss. However, the less I love, the less my heart can fill with joy, the less I can feel my own breathe, the less I can stand certain to my beliefs. If you can remember to love, everything else will become natural. Love what? Everything you do, are and ever were. Believe in love.

So, why am I writing all of this you might wonder? It has been 16 days since my last drink. If you are me, you would know that on a Friday night, there would be nothing I would like more than a glass of wine. With 4 cheeses waiting to be eaten in the fridge and my ideas of carrot and zucchini fries: it could be a great night. However, I believe that alcohol is masking something. Unless I stop drinking, I will never be able to unmask that. At the same time, alcohol was giving me something which I have lost.

Today: it is hard for me to comment on either of those things.

Why drink and why not drink ARE equally valid questions for me?

I do not have anything to prove.

Is alcohol not masking anything but is simply a way I let go in? Are there any other ways for me?

The only thing that bothers me about not drinking is that how little fun I have: the mindless fun.

I have fun cooking and meal planning and working. I have fun doing yoga and exercising but, I do not have fun in other ways. I miss alcohol not because I am addicted to it but because I want to be mindless sometimes. Is that so wrong? Can I cultivate it differently?

How long will I not drink for? It is yet to be seen.

Loving you is not just luck or illusion, it is in the make-up of the DNA.

- S Club 7.