Stories

“We are all stories in the end, just make it a good one”

- 11th Doctor, Doctor Who

We often consider life as one big journey and you as one immutable self and once in a while you look back and realise, none of those two ideas are absolute. Right now, I am staring at decoration I bought 6 years ago on Christmas eve and took it home to my sister. I was 24 and this decoration felt expensive but because it was Christmas, I decided to splurge and get it. We made pasta for dinner that night: the sauce was my own recipe but copied out of Sorted food’s recipe I imagine. We had really crap rosé wine and basically sat on the floor. Nothing fancy.

Right now, I am this decoration is reflected in twinkling lights which cost more than all the decorations I bought that time. I have bought a Christmas tree which costs twice than my then tree did. I have everything lit in this house and I lie in bed thinking of what about this holiday makes me so unhappy and yet, so hopeful. I was very unhappy and confused at 24. I felt lonely all the time and now, at 30 looking at the same decoration drinking whiskey which costs 8 times the price of that wine and putting up Christmas deco actually 12 days before the day gives me hope.

I am more alone now than I was 6 years ago but I know that I am my own good company. I am aware that I can value and love myself even if others can’t. I can see my flaws and forgive myself for it. In 6 years from now, if I look at this decoration: I want to think about the stories, the stories I will make in the years ahead of me. I might still be lying on my bed alone but maybe I should keep this decoration for the mere reminder. Lots of life needs to be let go but I have started to think that it is important to keep the best parts.

Keep your bits. Keep the love. Keep the joy. Keep the families you make along the way. Grow with yourself. Let yourself become something without judgement. Most importantly, feel. It makes you alive.

“The way I have been holdin’ on so tight, with nothing in between”

- Story of my life, One Direction

So, I live for the stories: mine and others. I hear them and I capture them. I bring them real and hold it close to my heart. A lot of my life has changed in the last few years but I am glad that the stories I have collected do not fade. I am well aware that things that I am not proud of are things I need to forgive. The things I have been scared to accept are things that I should accept quickly. Admit my own and other’s faults. Learn to love people for their faults is hard work but once you get good at it; they become quirks. I have gotten lost in Almeria, gotten trashed in Barcelona, had a wonderful time talking to an Italian man in a wine shop who gave me some free wine to boot, made out with a bartender in San Fran. I have lived that life in the 6 months I travelled.

I like my stories and I can’t wait to make more.

Merry Christmas J.