The walk — Coffee & more

It was 1:30AM on the morning of Friday, 4th October and I had been tossing and turning in my bed for about 20 minutes. I had finally decided to call it an early night in terms of work and taken a shower.

All of Thursday, I had not left the apartment. Forget the apartment, I hadn’t left my bed except when I went to pee. I had eaten only Marie biscuits (2 packs of it) and one coke zero all day. It had been a really bad day which ended with Friday starting off with looking for a place to live in after Europe was over.

So, I did the first thing I could: I pulled on the pair of jeans shorts I had taken off on Wednesday night before bed and decided to leave the room. I was leaving the room and I didn’t know for how long. There wasn’t a set end to this walk. No destination. No reason either.

That feeling is precious. That feeling that I had forgotten all about. The one that has convictions of its own. The feeling when you know something is right. Like, how Harry describes felix felicis: “It was as though the potion was illuminating a few steps of the path at a time: He could not the final desination, he could not see where Slughorn came in, but he knew that he was going the right way to get that memory”.

So, I left after of course brushing my hair and putting on pants. After all, it seemed like the only sensible thing to do at 1:40AM. Now, I like to think I know Almeria. That it is a safe place but I had not been out at 1:30AM before. Staying wasn’t an option so I took my chances outdoors. What’s the worse that could happen eh?

I leave the building and I walk. I find it strange and comforting that I always walk in the same direction. It has never occurred to me before but I walk to the sea. I didn’t have a plan so it didn’t matter if I walked in circles and then returned home. I just needed to walk off my frustrations, my pain, my loneliness, my confusion about the future and that feeling of weight in my heart. That feeling of hopelessness that resulted from lack of social interaction.

Choosing more well-lit streets than others I walked and saw intoxicated folks everywhere. My kin. Intoxicated on a Thursday night. I can almost touch their drunkenness in the air and imbibe it. One drunk person is talking to me and I don’t understand. I can only walk faster. My lapel pin breaks off but after spending minutes in the dark searching, I just walk on.

I walk until I reach the sea. Almost. I pass the sign of I <3 Almeria, I pass the beautiful trees planted in an arch so atypical of Spain. That spot where I had been before, the place to glance up at the vastness of the sky. I can see stars but I need to find a dark enough spot. I reach the edge, look up. I am tearing up, like I do when I see stars. Overwhelmed by the might, scale and beauty of this infinite universe. I brush them off and am thoroughly convinced that there has to be a better spot.

I am almost able to make out the Milky Way. If only, I could have a slightly less light pollution. At this point, I could’ve done a calculation that would’ve told me that nowhere would work within the city limits. However, like all humans it is in my nature to try even when there’s no hope. I keep rolling the dice hoping that it is not already deterministic.

I pass by the second set of party-goers returning from one venue; moving onto the next maybe. It is hard to tell; they are laughing and joking and at peace with the world. I am not. All that does is increase my pace and conviction. More stars appear or maybe I focus more. That’s the thing about the sky though: it is completely filled with stars. If you look closely and for long enough, your eyes become accustomed and show you more than you could see before. It’s as close to magic as possible.

Almost at the beach, but still not a clear Milky Way. I can make out the cloud of gases and I know it is overhead. Some of the stars I know shine bright on the strip and are visible but the cloud isn’t bright enough. Too much human interference.

Darkest corner of beach. I look up. No milky way.

At this point, I know I have come to the end of the quest this night. I wasn’t tired of looking up, but I knew it was an impossible task inside the city limit of Almeria. I did the next best thing: I looked up at the stars and murmured: I am coming to you. Wait for me.

“Just because you can’t see something, doesn’t make it not there. Yet it only becomes real when you do experience it.”