The Fear

“Bravery is not the absence of fear, but the knowledge that there is something more important than fear” - Paraphrased

Yes, I could’ve made this post about bravery but fear, as negative as it sounds, is way more emotive. We all know it; from the fear of slipping at the edge of a mountain to being clingy in a relationship. Oh fear! You great motivator and terrible decision maker: I cannot live with or without you.

Why am I talking about fear? I found myself in a scary situation last weekend but story later, reflection first. This led to sulkiness, self-loathing, reflection and finally some epiphanies.

I found an article explaining the basic physiological reactions to fear which from my reading of it sounds very close to sexual arousal (dry mouth, fast heartbeat, butterflies in the stomach). Fun eh? No wonder, the need for sex is such a driver. So, fear releases a bunch of hormones in our brain to make us ready for action. We are pumped with energy to fight a cheetah if needed.

I’m clearly not struggling with this fear all the time. Low emotional security is the bane of my existence. Most people are insecure sometimes so it is quite natural but suffering from insecurities all the time sucks. The social internet and media is probably the collective fears and insecurities of a 4.48 billion people (about 58.8% of the population) and we all know how great that is (sarcasm). Sorry about the diversion but another cool thing I found; as of today (25th October, 2019):

Source: https://www.worldometers.info/world-population/

Some might argue what is cool about this but if your day sucks; think how much worse it is for the 97 thousand people who died. It’s a blessing to be able to comprehend and internalise being alive. I know it sounds like a self-help book but human consciousness is incredible. There are only two things that can change my mood in one swig motion: our place in the universe (astronomy and physics combined in its beautiful dance) and human consciousness (the biggest biological mystery).

Back to my great insecurities and undying fear now: I suffer from low emotional security. One might say I am a kid. My best friend and I have a running joke how I am like four or a puppy. We are still undecided. Like a kid, I need constant attention and I need to feel like I am valued. All attention on me but not too much attention: the right amount. One can call it narcissistic, I wouldn’t argue.

The thing is that being alone doesn’t scares me; no. What scares me is that I would become redundant and ordinary in people’s lives? That I wouldn’t matter. That who I am will never be enough for someone and when they will discover this fact, they would walk away from me. So, in most cases: I walk away. I run away. I screw things up. I make a fuss about them acting in a way that they didn’t. Picking up fights when I am drunk. Hurting people before they can hurt me. Ending up alone by choice feels heroic but being discarded is pitiful.

“What you do is not nearly as interesting or important as who you do it with” - John Green, Vlogbrothers

What a fuck-all philosophy right? Life is all about the people we bring into it and if you don’t treat people in your life with love and respect, what are you even doing. I regularly treat them with neglect or anger. My insecurities brings my fears to life and so, I push everyone away. Is there a cure? Not really.

How do I deal with it? I am still figuring it out.

P.S. I promised a story: I woke up in a hospital last Saturday with little knowledge of how I got there. It could have been alcohol poisoning or that someone drugged me. It was scary at the time, and thinking about it gives me piloerection (yes, that is what goosebumps are called) but I have accepted that it happened and I will never know the details.

I do know why though. Fear.

“A man can only stumble for so long before he either falls or stands up straight.” - Mistborn, Brandon Sanderson

Note to future self: You stand the fucking up, bitch.