Clarity

Self actualisation sits right up the hierarchy of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. It is in the upper most level and Maslow assumed and people need to climb the steps to get there. His entire theory assumes that one needs to satisfy all the previous requirements before getting to self-actualisation. Like all life quotes, this sounds oversimplified (which it is).

Most researchers agree that Maslow is hindered by his own biases and his own privileged position in society. He fails to consider socio-economic and cultural influences. This is my opinion and not fact. Parts of the scientific community seems to agree that Maslow fully didn’t consider that people don’t always jump to their B-needs (or being needs) only when their D-needs (or deficient needs) are met. A lot of people suffer from meaninglessness, depression, lack of purpose more so when their D-needs are met.

Now, I do not want to throw around words like depression so maybe it is more like that gnawing feeling inside your soul which you cannot fully comprehend. A need that food, drink, intoxication, warm bed, sex, work, stable income or friends cannot satisfy. It reminds me of the book: “The subtle art of not giving a f*ck” by Mark Manson. My dissatisfaction comes from a lack of problems I want to solve. I do not have any interesting problems left. My life right now has very little problem that I want to solve.

I have annoying things that I need to take care of, and my work doesn’t seem to challenge me in the right ways. I do not have anyone in my life I feel like I should be fighting for. Financially, I have money to cook myself decent meals which I enjoy. The weird thing is: I spend so much time thinking and making food these days that my entire life is about that now. Again, it isn’t a complaint or a problem. It just is. This week, I let go of a lot of things.

I let go of people who were making me unhappy, I let go of my incessant need to try and make things right (and right at once). For the first time in a long time, I saw things with clarity that I couldn’t explain. Joy is simple. I am not self-actualised in any manner or form. I know, I started out with talking out about Maslow but I felt like he is wrong. More than ever.

Life is more like a cooking process: you don’t need to do it linearly, but rather group things together if you know where you want to end up.

Another beautiful thing that struck me was that the arrow is time is not the devil of a thing but rather a blessing. When terrible things happen, we often question what we did so wrong to end up at that situation. However, once you’ve overcome some of the terrible stuff: you realise what you learned from it. My life needs more terrible things. More unpleasant things. Doing things (even the terrible ones) is always better than not doing them. If you do things, you get to realise what you like and what you hate. The passiveness of human living has become my greatest fear and now, I know it.

Volunteering

PDX had its Winter Light Festival from 6th to 8th February and I signed up to be the volunteer. Now, doing selfless acts isn’t my forte. I need to be more humble but I find it hard. This is not a fact of life, it just is who I am today. The only possible saving grace on this is that in my head, I explain it away. I was bullied as a secondary and high school kid and somehow, instead of becoming more empathetic I became a bully.

Often, it has been pointed out that I am a judgemental person but being judged for your shortcomings is really startling. Even now when I am a little dumb and people question it, I feel embarrassed and ashamed. It is so hard to work through this alone and without anyone’s help which has led me to strongly believe I need some counselling. I have approached someone for consultation and hope that that would help sort out some of this.

Back to volunteering: it was a weird experience of getting out and talking to people. I did crowd counting and surveys which I know are pretty much the lamest things but, surveys were SO out of my comfort zone. Talking to people (even the friendly ones) and promoting something I had no part of was unusual. I never need to talk anything up in my life: I never have had to sell something except maybe myself in job interviews but you learn that there is a skill to it pretty quickly. People respond to smiles and not everyone wants to do it and they get defensive.

It reminded me of Hagrid in Order of the Phoenix (the most criticised book among the Harry Potter series) but he says at the end of “A Hagrid’s Tale”:

“But we did what’ we meant her do, we gave ‘em Dumbledore’s message an’ some o’ them heard it an’ I’spect some o’ them’ll remember it. Jus’ maybe, them that don’ want her stay around Golgomath’ll move outta the mountains, an’ there’s gotta be a chance they’ll remember Dumbledore’s friendly to ‘em. … Could be they’ll come …”

It was my least favourite chapter every time I read the book and slowly over time, that book has risen in my liking. It is most like life than any other. It did represent the hardships and the pains of having to cope with things way out of your league. The hardship of facing death in the face and how difficult it is to actually be a teenager. How difficult it really is to be a person. It isn’t pleasant but it is important to remember what Harry Potter teaches us most: the importance of doing right rather than easy.

Remember, when the time comes

On that note, I will end this post. I do plan to write another one after this.